


A Different Corner

by Cougar88



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One Shot, Phanfiction, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 21:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12542056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cougar88/pseuds/Cougar88
Summary: Phil goes for a brief walk to the store while Dan listens to an old playlist on his iPhone. Enter Dan's worst nightmare...





	A Different Corner

**Author's Note:**

> Since the airing of the Showtime special 'George Michael: FREEDOM', the closing lyrics have been chewing at my soul. I had to write this.

Dan and Phil don’t really feel like doing a whole lot.  It’s raining incessantly, and their television isn’t working right.  Something is happening in their complex, causing some type of electrical disturbance.  It’s messing with everything.  They can’t even get many radio stations to tune in, so Dan resorts to some old playlists on his iPhone.

Pressing shuffle, he settles for a mix of eighties and nineties hits.  “Feeling a little nostalgic, Dan?” Phil asks, shifting to get comfortable on the sofa.  He can’t get settled though.  They’ve been filming and editing for five days now, and he has the itch to stretch his legs.  “Well, you know” Dan shrugs, pulling a blanket over himself.  “Considering our options right now…” he doesn’t finish his sentence.  Instead he closes his eyes to concentrate on the music.

Phil observes Dan for a few minutes before deciding to head down the block for a few things.  They haven’t ordered from Tesco in a couple of weeks, and snacks are running thin.  “Dan, would you be fine if I head out for about twenty minutes?” Phil asks, already working his feet into a pair of sneakers that were lazily kicked off earlier in the day.  “Why wouldn’t I be?” Dan opens his eyes.  “You know, the rain and all, messing with the power” Phil says. 

“Go get your snacks” Dan quietly chuckles.  He knows Phil too well.  There’s only one reason he’ll ever leave their flat on his own.  “Do you need anything?” Phil asks as he’s shrugging into a warm coat.  It may not be dark yet, but it’s certainly cold.  Three solid days of heavy bone-chilling rain is enough to make anyone stay in.  But not when Phil is hungry.  “We’ll order food tomorrow, I guess” Dan says, closing his eyes once again.  “You don’t need anything then?” Phil waits.  Dan shakes his head.  “Alright” Phil says, grabbing his keys, just in case Dan falls asleep.

Dan sighs heavily as Phil walks out the door.  Ever since he went public about his depression, he has been thinking more and more about his relationship with Phil.  As Wham’s ‘A Different Corner’ begins playing, he flashes back to when he first met Phil.  He had made Dan feel more at ease with who he is than anyone in his entire life.  He should be grateful.  He has recently wondered why he has never told Phil how much he appreciates him. 

Phil does so much for Dan.  He’s always selfless and caring.  When it comes to Dan, Phil will give him the shirt off his back if they were suddenly out on the streets, God forbid YouTube were to cease to exist someday.  But Dan doesn’t think of those things.  He, like many people in his position, take the good life for granted quite often.  And sometimes, no, most of the time, he forgets to tell Phil thank you – for everything.  Recently, it’s the other way around.

When his depression began to worsen in 2012, he often thought of moving out.  He was a handful, often leaving without telling Phil where he was going.  He’d walk in the freezing rain or snow for hours, praying for sickness to take him from existence.  Anything but the inner turmoil he was suffering with.  But he would always return, because Phil would somehow find him.  It didn’t matter which dark corner he turned down from a side street.  Phil has a gift, and can somehow sense when there’s trouble, and where Dan might be when he was in it.

 

**♪ I’d say love was a magical flame.**

**♪ I’d say love would keep us from pain.**

**♪ Had I been there?**

**♪ Had I been there?**

 

Trouble was something Dan didn’t want to be for Phil, so he would always shut himself down.  Sure, they’re good friends.  But he just plugged along each day, going through the motions.  Some day, whenever that would be, he could somehow venture out on his own when Phil finally got sick of his gloom and doom crap.

The more he dwelt on that thought, the more he became depressed.  He just couldn’t bring himself to tell Phil why.  Every morning before he dragged himself from his bed, he would rehearse a lengthy speech about how he isn’t good enough to be in Phil’s life, planning when he would sit down with Phil to drop the bomb on him.  But he always chickened out.

 

**♪ I would promise you all of my life.**

**♪ But to lose you would cut like a knife.**

**♪ So I don’t dare.**

**♪ No I don’t daaaaaare…..**

 

“Dan, why would you think such things?  You KNOW I’m always here for you, no matter what” Phil said one day, late in 2014 when Dan finally came forward about his depression.  Dan had just sat there on the sofa that afternoon, crying his eyeballs out.  He still had not told Phil everything.  He wasn’t sure he ever could.  But at least he was making progress otherwise.

He told Phil about how he made his first appointment, and was already on medication, which didn’t seem to be helping.  Phil had offered many suggestions about trying another doctor.  “Maybe it takes time for the medicine to start working, Dan.  It doesn’t happen overnight” Phil said, placing a gentle hand on Dan’s knee.  To this day, Dan regrets flinching.  He felt so bad, he regressed, and wound up finding a new doctor a week later.

 

**♪ ‘Cause I’ve never come close.**

**♪ In all of these years,**

**♪ You are the only one to stop my tears.**

**♪ And I’m so scared.**

**♪ I’m so scared.**

 

It isn’t easy being Dan.  By no means.  Other than Phil, he truly believes there’s not another soul in the universe who understands him and his quirks.  Heck, one of the reasons why he decided to leave uni was because he was driving his friends and professors mad.  He’d miss class for days on end, somehow managing to pull off a passing mark, until one day he didn’t pass.  That’s where Phil came in, and helped him kick off a YouTube career. 

 

**♪ Take me back in time.**

**♪ Maybe I can forget.**

**♪ Turn a different corner**

**♪And we never would have met.**

**♪ Would you care?**

 

But as counseling and YouTube continued, things felt worse than ever.  Dan was hopelessly in love with Phil, and the fear was literally eating him alive.  He was afraid his family would disown him.  He was afraid YouTube would demonetize his videos.  And most of all, he feared that Phil would look at him differently.  He just couldn’t, and still can’t bear that last thought.  The more he and Phil did things, and progressed with their careers, the more it broke him into a million pieces.

Luckily for him, he has had the ability to mask most of it.  Phil suspects, and has frequently prodded Dan.  “Come on, Dan” Phil would say in the middle of a random conversation.  “Something is clearly bothering you.  Would you please talk to me?” he would beg Dan.  But Dan wouldn’t budge.  “It’s just the usual, Phil.  I promise” he’d always say, giving Phil a cautious hug.  He just couldn’t risk anything more than that.

 

**♪ I don’t understand it.**

**♪ For you, it’s a breeze.**

**♪ Little by little,**

**♪ You brought me to my knees.**

**♪ Don’t you caaaaare……….?**

 

In the distance, he hears horns blaring, followed by a terrible screech of tires, and finally a sickening crunch.  It’s unusual to hear an accident so close to their complex.  But it’s a sound that Dan is used to.  Many of his older live streams contained such tragic noises.  He drifts back into the ripples of torment, wondering what he should do. 

He and Phil have accomplished a lot.  They’ve known each other for seven years now.  Why shouldn’t it continue?  If only Dan could get past this one hurdle, he’d be good.  All the past bullying and failures would seem like nothing, and he could move forward, pursuing his other dream one day – acting. 

But before he can move onto his next thoughts, there’s a knock at the door.  Rubbing the life back into his legs, he gets up.  _It’s probably Phil._   “Did you lose your keys?” Dan opens the door.  But it isn’t Phil.  It’s the police.  “Um” he takes a step backward, looking over his shoulder.  “Can … can I help you?” Dan stutters.  He doesn’t do well with law enforcement.

He briefly wonders if Phil got arrested, until the officers remove their hats.  “Are you Dan Howell?” one of them asks, stepping into the flat, moving past Dan.  “Yeah” Dan tilts his head sideways, worrying if maybe HE is in trouble.  Maybe they were too loud again the other night.  It wouldn’t be surprising if neighbors had finally had enough of their obnoxious noise. 

“I’m afraid we have troubling news” the other officer steps in, placing a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

 

**♪ No, I’ve never come close.**

**♪ In all of these years,**

**♪ You are the only one to stop my tears.**

**♪ I’m so scared of this love.**  

 

Dan’s throat goes dry as he recalls the noise outside.  “Is Phil okay?” his voice is barely a whisper.  The officers lower their heads.  “We’re sorry…”

_Why didn’t I ever tell him?_

 

**♪ And if all that there is,**

**♪ Is this fear of being used,**

**♪ I should go back to being**

**♪ Lonely and confused.**

**♪ If I could, I would, I swear.**

 

“WHERE IS PHIL?!” Dan’s voice cracks.  “We’re sorry.  There was an accident at the corner.  It seems he was trying to cross, and a car ran the light” the first officer said.

 

**♪ WHOOOOAAAA!  I SWEAR!**

 

“NOOOO!” Dan cries out, dropping to his knees.  The world seems to stop spinning.  HIS world.  Every second of every minute of every single day Dan has spent with Phil flashes in his mind within seconds, blasting that brick wall to smithereens.  “Son, one of us needs to get back out there.  I can stay if you’d like us to call someone.  We know he has family.  There was a folded piece of paper in his wallet that says to come to you if something were to ever happen” the first officer says as the other heads back out.

Dan’s tears continue to spill as he takes the piece of paper from the officer.  He can barely read it.

 _My dearest Dan, I pray the day won’t come where this note will be in your talented hands.  But obviously it has.  I know this is extremely difficult, but you first need to call my family._  

Dan pauses to draw air into his aching lungs, looking up at the officer.  He puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder once again.  Shaking his head disbelieving at Phil’s note ** _HOW COULD HE WRITE SUCH A NOTE?!_   **he continues to read.

_I’m so sorry, Dan.  I know there are still so many things we haven’t done yet.  But the one thing I need you to know is how much I love you.  You have been my world, Dan.  I hope you know that._

“NO!!!” Dan tosses the note aside, and jumps up to push the officer out of the way.  “THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!” Dan shouts in his face, and pushes him out of the flat.  “GET OUT!” he screams once again.  With a look of pity, the officer turns, and slams the door.

 

**♪ Take me back in time**

**♪ Maybe I can forget**

**♪ Turn a different corner**

**♪ And we never would have met.**

 

Dan could swear he heard these lyrics earlier in the song.  _Why is it repeating?  Why is this happening?_   He struggles to breathe once again, more tears spilling.  As he reaches for Phil’s note, the door slams again, jarring him from a deep, troubled sleep.

“I’m back!” Phil calls out from the distance.  Dan weakly scrambles to his leaden feet, furiously wiping at the tears still spilling from his sleepy eyes.  _It was a nightmare – the worst one ever!_   “Phil?” Dan’s voice is tight when Phil walks into the lounge. 

“DAN” Phil gasps at the sight of Dan, dropping his bags.  “Are you OKAY?” he rushes to Dan, whose rapidly blinking eyelids are drenched with tears.  But Dan can’t speak.  He looks at Phil with disbelief, reaching a shaky hand out to touch his arm.  There’s a massive lump in his throat that he can’t seem to swallow, and he’s relieved when he realizes it truly was a bad dream.

“Oh, PHIL!  Don’t ever leave me like that again!” Dan’s voice finally breaks past a choked sob.  “WHOA, Dan” Phil catches Dan into his arms, guiding him to sit on the sofa.  The song currently still playing from Dan’s playlist somehow got put on repeat, and he had drifted off to sleep listening to it.

After a few seconds of holding Dan, Phil finally felt sure enough to let go.  “I’m not going anywhere, Dan” he says, wiping the remaining tears from Dan’s eyes.  Phil is frightened, wondering why Dan is in this broken state.  Has he regressed again?  Is there something new bothering him?  After a few more seconds, Phil hones in on the song currently playing.

**♪ I don’t understand it.**

**♪ For you, it’s a breeze.**

**♪ Little by little,**

**♪ You brought me to my knees.**

**♪ Don’t you caaaaaaaare?**

**♪ No, I’ve never come close.**

**♪ In all of these years,**

**♪ You are the only one to stop my tears.**

**♪ I’m so scaaaaaaared of this love……**

Phil gasps, eyes widening.  But he allows Dan as much time as he needs.  All he says is “Dan” in the most loving way he could possibly convey, reaching a hand out for Dan’s.  When the song ends, Dan stops it from playing again.  He doesn’t think he can handle any more tears, lest he scare Phil more than he already has at this point.

Phil takes a shaky breath, waiting.  “Phil” Dan breathes deeply several times before he’s able to find his words.  The lump is still in his throat, and it probably will never go away unless he tells Phil.  “I can’t take it anymore” he breathes out, swallowing thickly.  But these words startle Phil even more, making him think Dan has reached rock bottom.  He squeezes Dan’s hand, holding on for dear life.  He can no longer hold onto his own words.  “You CAN’T leave me, Dan” Phil whispers as a single tear rolls from his eye.  It’s all he can manage without completely losing it. 

 _WHAT?_   Dan is confused for a few seconds, but then realizes what Phil is thinking.  “Oh, God, Phil.  NO.  It’s not that” Dan’s eyes widen.  “GOD, no.  I’m not THAT depressed” Dan feels terrible.  “Well then what, because you’re seriously scaring the hell out of me.”  It’s Phil’s turn for his voice to crack.  Dan sighs once again, lowering his head to look at the tightening grip Phil has on his hand.  And it dawns on him.

“Phil?” Dan whispers.  The moment of truth.  He simply cannot hold onto it any longer.  He won’t be able to live with himself if something were to ever happen to Phil for real.  Phil swallows hard.  “I know there are still so many things we haven’t done yet.  But the one thing I need you to know is how much I love you.  You have been my world, Phil.  I hope you know that” Dan recalls the note in his dream.

Phil gasps, immediately choking on his emotions.  “Dan” he tries to speak, but Dan cuts him off.  “And I need you to know that if something were to ever happen to you, I honestly don’t know how I’ll continue to exist.”  Phil’s mouth drops open.  He’s speechless, yet relieved, and totally in love with Dan.  And thank GOD everything is OKAY!

“Dan” Phil finally regains a tiny bit of composure.  Releasing Dan’s hand, he reaches up to cup his face.  “I’m not going anywhere.  Do you understand?” Phil gazes directly into Dan’s eyes, which are leaking once again.  Dan’s heart skips a few beats, and he throws his arms around Phil.  “I love you so much” he sobs into Phil’s shoulder.  “I love you too” Phil chokes back his own sobs.  He can’t believe all it took was a walk to the store to get Dan to finally release all these emotions.  After a few minutes, Dan breaks the hug to really get a look at Phil.  He’s completely fried from fright, which Dan had unnecessarily caused.

A thought occurs to Phil as Dan continues to stare at him with awe.  “What…what happened, Dan?  I mean, all this time, you’ve loved me, but never said anything?  WHY?” Phil asks, truly perplexed.  He thought he knew his best friend.  Apparently not.  “I was afraid, of a lot of things.  And losing you was the worst one” Dan’s chin quivers a bit.  He’s now afraid of what Phil will think of all this madness.

But it’s okay, because Phil understands.  “There’s no need to be afraid with me.  Don’t you know that by now?” he reaches for Dan’s face again, ever so slowly closing the space between them.  As he peers into Phil’s huge orbs once again, he finally realizes, allowing his eyelids to flutter shut when Phil gently kisses him.

Somehow, Dan feels the earth begin to spin again.  It feels right this time.  There’s no background noise coming from outside, and Phil’s arms are tightly around him, reassuringly rubbing his back as they continue to kiss deeply.

“I love you so much, Dan” Phil reciprocates once more when they finally break for air.  And Dan’s soul is truly alive for the first time since he met Phil.  “I love you too” Dan says once more before leaning toward Phil’s lips again.

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to the song 'A Different Corner' by Wham! on repeat as I wrote this in an hour and a half. I don't know if I can do another songfic like this again. I'm fried from crying so much.


End file.
